I've spent days agonizing in front of the proverbial blank page trying to write this month's newsletter. There has been something personal and concerning going on that’s consumed me somewhat – and I just couldn't get the words out of me and onto this page.
Then this morning, it hit me: there’s only so much “brain bandwidth” us humans have to go around! After a couple of conversations with a client and a colleague who both are going through some significant life challenges right now, I was reminded what I have known since my husband had cancer and died of it 11 years ago: we can either be in emotion and usually feeling stuck there, or we can be rational and fully functional. It’s basically impossible to be in both places at the same time. Therefore, this personal problem I mentioned has been occupying a solid chunk of my bandwidth with emotional upheaval of concern and worry, which has been getting in the way of my ability to think clearly and to write this newsletter the way I had envisioned it a few days ago.
As the Challenge Coach, I speak daily with clients who are confronted with mighty life challenges. This makes me acutely aware of how difficult it is to DO things (get things done, do the work of life that we must all do), when we are consumed by BEING (dealing with hard things). My job is to help my clients be OK with feeling their feelings (staying in the here and now, riding the waves of their emotions as they happen), and once and only once the emotions have run their course, then go back to rational planning and thoughtful action. When we don’t realize that we are overwhelmed by emotions, and therefore don’t honor the feelings and try to keep going on as if nothing was happening, we “stuff” the emotions down. In that way we are creating all sorts of problems that sooner or later catch up with us in some form of “dis-ease” or another.
The trick of course, is to come to awareness that something emotional is happening to us. We don’t live in a society where being emotional, having feelings, or showing vulnerability is OK. We also often feel that our lives don’t offer us the luxury to sit and be – while waiting till things get better. What I help my clients see, is that stopping for a moment and catching our breath - allowing the waves of emotions to wash over us, feel the feelings, and taking stock of what’s going on under the choppy waters - is like an investment. If we can be patient and BE for a minute, if we can give ourselves the gift of honoring what is, then we can resume life a short while later in a much more productive and efficient manner. It’s not wasted time to allow oneself a moment of peace and to give oneself grace. An investment in a quiet moment of self-care is the best way to come back to life a better, more collected, more put together, human being – much readier to tackle life’s tasks.
And when I say “a moment” I don’t necessarily mean it literally: a moment can indeed be just a short two- or three-minute moment in time of stopping, closing eyes, taking deep breathes, taking stock … and then moving on with one’s day. But a moment can also mean a day, a week or even months: if you have experienced an enormous trauma like being fired from a job, finding out your spouse cheated on you, learning that you have a serious illness, or losing a loved one to death, then you will be swimming in the emotional realm for days, weeks, months or sometimes years. Of course no one can stop being in life for that long: thankfully, in a way, life goes on and will call you back to task over and over again. Yet, even more so then, is when giving oneself regular and frequent times of BEING will be essential to be able to keep going.
If you’d like to find out more specifically HOW to ride the waves of your emotions, download this “Riding the Waves” handout to help you through some specific simple steps.
It doesn’t matter how much I know this, I am like you: I keep forgetting. I have deadlines, a long TO DO list, responsibilities, people counting on me. It’s so easy to just keep going and ignore the signs …
But today, I was reminded: the reason why nothing fruitful is coming out of my brain is because it is pre-occupied. I love that word. Occupied with something else which comes first.
And I’ll finish by taking you where I go when my brain needs a break to ride its emotional waves: beauty. Take a moment to read the wonderful words of Thich Nhat Hanh, look at the beauty of nature, and may you find peace in beauty.
“The first element of true love is loving kindness. The essence of loving kindness is being able to offer happiness. You can be the sunshine for another person. You can't offer happiness until you have it for yourself. So build a home inside by accepting yourself and learning to love and heal yourself. Learn how to practice mindfulness in such a way that you can create moments of happiness and joy for your own nourishment. Then you have something to offer the other person.”
~ Thich Nhat Hanh
So this month, this is all I have for you. A few words about brain bandwidth, mindfulness, and self-care.
I hope you find it to be a helpful reminder.
Be kind to yourself.
P.S. In the resource section of my website there are lots of free resources for you, and of course I am always here to support you no matter what life challenge you are tackling at the moment. Please do book a FREE sample session.
