“If there's one thing that I know
It is the two shades of hope
One, the enlightening soul
And the other is more like a hangman's rope
Well it's true, you may reap what you sow
But note that despair is the all-time low
Baby, hope deals the hardest blows”
Have you heard this song? It’s called Two Shades of Hope by Foy Vance. Take a listen here!
As we enter this time of the Holiday season – and especially this week of Thanksgiving in the United States – I find it particularly hard to rejoice and be hopeful, given – yet again? Still? - the state of the world.
And yet … what choice is there?
As I have said here before, it’s when things around us (or within?) fall apart that it behooves us to show up at our best. It might be a deep personal struggle. It might be a cause that’s calling us, or someone close who’s struggling and needs support. It might even be all at once. Either way, tough times call us forth and require us to find our inner courage so we can make a difference in our own lives or in the lives of others. Keeping the flame of hope alive is how we keep showing up, how we keep going and how we can keep giving.
I just landed in Brussels this morning to come support family members who are struggling. I don’t have a return ticket. It was hard getting ready to leave for an unlimited time, getting organized to work from abroad, leaving my family at the time of the holidays – all the while as my heart is additionally screaming in pain at the wars that are happening around the world. I had many a moment of thinking that I wasn’t going to make it, and that I’d much rather crawl up in a little ball and hide somewhere in the woods behind one of my beloved trees. But then I’d remember that I am needed, and that hiding behind trees is not really an option. Certainly not a courageous one. And most definitely not a useful one.
Instead, to get out of the posture of the little hiding ball from behind the trees and back into the world, I used the following four basic steps to get me moving again in the direction of my responsibilities:
(and don’t be fooled: they might be very basic and I am certain you have already heard about all of them before. But they are immensely powerful. In fact, there is really nothing else I know that will reignite hope and courage the way these steps do.)
1. BREATH
To calm the nervous system down, breathe this way:
- Inhale through your nose – naturally but mindfully
- When reaching the top of your breath, hold for just a second or two
- Exhale through your mouth, as if blowing a candle, TWICE AS SLOWLY as you inhaled. This is the key part.
So if your natural inhale count is to four – then you should try to exhale to eight.
Repeat as many times as you have time for and feels like it is useful.
How does this work? Changing the rhythm of your breath can signal relaxation, slowing your heart rate and stimulating the vagus nerve, which runs from the brain stem to the abdomen, and is part of the parasympathetic nervous system. Triggering your parasympathetic nervous system helps you start to calm down. You feel better. And your ability to think rationally returns. Read much more about this online but especially in this great HBR article.
2. FOCUS MINDFULLY THROUGH YOUR SENSES
Once you have taken three to five deep breaths as described in step 1 above, move your attention to your senses.
If you can, close your eyes and start focusing on the sounds around you: at first just notice the sounds as they come to you. Then start playing detective: which sounds are the farthest away? Try to separate them and identify each one. Then come close to you with your hearing: what sounds are closest? Notice that the closest sounds might even be the ones your own body makes (breathing, digestion, sounds of walking if you are moving etc.). Then expand your noticing once again: what sounds do you hear between the farthest and the closest? End this exercise (which you can do for as long as you want but at least for two minutes) by expanding your hearing again to the globality of all sounds: hear the orchestra of life in all its richness. REALLY take it all in.
You can then move on to one of your other senses – for example the sense of touch (and yes, some of you might recognize the PQ reps from the Positive Intelligence Program). Where ever your fingers are as you are reading this, start really feeling what they are touching: the texture, the temperature, the sensations, the sound the touching makes. How these sensations change and shift as you are moving your touch. Look even closer now with your mind’s eye: is there anything that you are feeling right now that you had never felt before even though you might have touched exactly this way with these exact fingers and gestures before? Then maybe move slightly to touching something else and do it again. Pay such close attention to what you are touching that you will discover things you had never experienced before.
3. LOVING KINDNESS MANTRA
Have you ever heard the saying: “The beatings will continue until the morale improves?”
When we get hopeless and deeply discouraged, one of the first things a lot of us do is beat up on ourselves. Hard. Maybe harder than most of us beat up on everyone else:
“If only I had …
“When will I ever learn…?
“How can I be such a looser?
“What a coward I am …
“What is WRONG WITH ME????
“Why me?!?!?!
I must ask you: how useful do you think this tactic really is at improving hopefulness and courage?
Enough said.
I know that deep inside, you know this: to become encouraged again, and feel hope again, we MUST start with treating ourselves kindly and with all the due respect we deserve. I wrote a blog post about this a while back and created the following “cheat sheet” video on how to practice loving kindness.
4. MANTRAS
My personal favorites are “this too shall pass”, and “I can do hard things: I know because I have.”
What are yours? Let me know!
Mantras are powerful ways to rewire your brain the way you want it to be wired. It’s like pre-programming yourself. It works, and it’s pretty magical if you ask me.
Finally, in case you are not yet convinced how important it is to work on your own hope levels – here’s an important fact from Positive Psychology: “The character strengths most associated with the engagement route to happiness are zest, curiosity, hope, perseverance, and perspective.” (Peterson et al., 2007). Peterson, C., Ruch, W., Beerman, U., Park, N., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2007).
So believe me when I tell you that to get back on the engagement route to happiness, you and I need to work hard on our HOPE.
May this newsletter support you on your path to rekindled hopefulness. And may those of you who celebrate it enjoy a joyous, safe, delicious and delightful feast of Thanksgiving.
Celebrating this season of gratitude,
and every open door that calls us home.
From my family to yours,
Wishing you a season of many Thanks and even more Giving.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
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