Do you know heartbreak?
Heartbreak, as I know it, is when:
… you're 7 years old and your heart shatters as your parents argue in the other room. They were supposed to be your safe harbor, your infallible anchor. They were supposed to be forever.
… at 26, you pack up everything you own and leave the life you've known behind to cross the Atlantic. As the plane takes off and you look out the window, you know you're doing it for love—but you also feel the unbearable tearing of leaving your family and everything familiar behind, forever.
… your 21-month-old breaks their leg for the first time, and you're told they have a rare, limb- and possibly life-threatening illness—ushering in a decade of intense, relentless caregiving.
… your husband, the love of your life, collapses on the side of a dusty road on a remote island … and what follows is a terminal cancer diagnosis, years of grueling caregiving, and, finally, devastating loss.
… the world as you knew it unravels in just a few weeks, dragging the entire planet with it. Your host country—once a beacon of democracy and deep values, a place where you felt free and safe—suddenly descends into authoritarianism, corruption, and fear.
Heartbreak, as you may know it, is:
… when you find out your beloved has been cheating on you.
… when you lose the love of your life after a long illness, and in your grief, you sell everything, leave the home you built together, and flee to a new town where you know no one. You don’t know how to begin again. You don’t even know who you are anymore.
… when you end a four-year relationship and realize—only after it's over—that it was abusive. You feel ashamed, guilty, and broken. You want to disappear.
… when your doctor calls you back after a routine mammogram and asks to see you immediately. You sit there, numb, as you hear the words: stage 4 cancer. You're told to go home and prepare for the worst.
… when your brother, your best friend, stops returning your calls and suddenly disappears out of your life with no explanation.
… when your phone rings at 4 a.m., and your sister says, “Dad died this morning.”
No-one sings heartbreak better than Al Green in his How can you mend a broken heart song… Take a listen here to really get in the mood of what we are talking about here today.
Heartbreak is a metaphor for deep emotional pain and suffering. While it often stems from the end of a romantic relationship, it can also arise from other profound losses or betrayals. It brings with it waves of insupportable grief, sadness, anger, and disorientation—and its effects are not just emotional. Heartbreak will also manifest physically: sleeplessness, loss of appetite, chest pain, exhaustion, GI problems, a weakened immune system, and even toothaches… obviously adding serious insult to immense injury.
If you read last month’s newsletter (always checking who's paying attention!), I wrote about action as the antidote to strong emotions—especially anger or despair.
This month, I want to zoom in on what comes before that action step.
When your heart breaks, the number one action to take before any other is: do nothing.
STAND COMPLETELY STILL
Feel the wave.
Ride the wave.
Be fully present.
Don’t move.
Easier said than done, I know. When pain becomes unbearable, everything in us wants to run away or disappear. Those deep heartbreaks I described above hurt so much that we feel like we can’t survive them. They can make us feel like we’re about to explode in a million pieces, or collapse, or crumble into nothingness.
And yet—unless our physical heart gives out—we are, in fact, still alive.
The impulse to escape—to fight, flee, or freeze—is overwhelming. In that state, we are not capable of clear thinking. Our decisions become impulsive and reactive. And often, those quick decisions—whether quitting jobs, ending relationships, moving countries, spending recklessly, seeking revenge, or numbing with substances—become regrets. In the most tragic cases, heartbreak can even lead people to take their own lives.
Yet as one of my favorite mindfulness teachers, Jon Kabat-Zinn, reminds us in the title of his book:
“Wherever you go, there you are.”
There is no fleeing ourselves.
There is no escaping the weight of the human condition.
There is only this one, first, courageous step: sit still.
Feel what needs to be felt.
Acknowledge and honor the sorrow and the grief.
Hold yourself with compassion, kindness, gentleness, and patience.
Rock yourself until, little by little, you feel soothed.
Only then should we move into action.
Because by giving ourselves this sacred pause, our brains begin to regain clarity. We can start to think rationally. We can consider our next steps, calmly.
As John Mayer says in his song In Repair (which you can listen to here):
Oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unready
Now you might be thinking: How can I possibly remember to “stand still” when I’m drowning in heartbreak?
Fair question. And here’s the thing: you don’t have to do it alone.
In fact, you shouldn't.
The paradox is that when we feel most broken, most vulnerable, most unworthy of love—we tend to isolate. We think:
“Who would want to see me like this?”
“Who would want to help me in this pitiful state?”
“I don’t want to burden anyone …”
WRONG. WRONG. AND WRONG AGAIN.
Humans are wired to help.
Helping others makes us feel good. It gives us purpose. It’s good for our mental health to support others.
So the next time your heart breaks, remember this:
You are doing others a favor when you reach out for help.
KT Tunstall sings it best in her song Heal Over. Take a listen here.
When our hearts are shattered in a million pieces, we cannot imagine a way forward.
And yet …
It always, always does. I promise.
With love and compassion, and here for you. Always.
FROM HEARTBREAK TO HEALING:
STRENGTHENING YOUR MENTAL FITNESS
If you're in the middle of heartbreak—or healing from one—you already know how hard it is to not react. Our pain pulls us into 'saboteur' mode: judgment, fear, blame, avoidance, self-doubt. It's understandable. It's human.
But there is another way.
Positive Intelligence (PQ), also known as mental fitness, is about learning how to shift, even gently, from that reactive saboteur state into your calm, clear, wise SAGE self. It’s a habit—one that can be practiced, strengthened, and used to meet life with more resilience, presence, and peace.
If this resonates, I’d love to invite you to a FREE live introduction to PQ on:
Friday, April 11 at 12pm EST
Together, we’ll explore how to begin quieting the noise of the inner saboteur and reconnecting with your centered self—even in the midst of challenge.
You don’t have to do it alone. Register here to join the session.
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