In last month’s newsletter, we examined the topic of relationship conflicts through the lens of a couple’s issues. We walked alongside Judy and Rachel as they were navigating serious problems in their relationship following the birth of their third child. We discussed the fact that conflict is an inherent part of any relationship because we are different humans with different perspectives and needs, but that the survival and thriving of relationships hinges on people learning how to navigate fights.
We proposed three steps for positive conflict resolution in addition to a pre-requisite:
- Pre-requisite: know your fighting style (which “horseman of the apocalypse of conflict” do you default to during an argument? And what is your TKI style?)
- Step 1: calm down
- Step 2: communicate effectively
I hope you used my prompts and gave some thought to your own personal fighting style, and maybe even started practicing non-violent communication? I also hope that you considered to join my problem-solving workshop on October 8. During the workshop, we will practice all of the above and then some. You’ll leave with a strong sense of your strengths, as well as areas where you need to progress when it comes to conflict. In addition, you will gain some serious practice in conflict resolution that will be immediately applicable in your life.
Today, we are delving into the fun part of conflict resolution: step 3 is problem solving!!
Why is this fun, you ask? Because at this stage, you are now past the yucky feelings of anger, shame or guilt. You are past the hand-wringing, the crying, and the wondering if you made the right decision to be in this relationship. This step is about cooperation, creativity, coordination, and contribution. This is where you get out of being stuck in the mess of arguments and hurt feelings and into movement toward productive solutions.
So let’s dive in, shall we?
STEP 3: PROBLEM SOLVING
The final step in resolving issues that arise in relationships can be taken once the parties are calm and have communicated clearly around the problem. This usually leads them to be willing to cooperate on problem solving. Here are the seven steps of problem solving:
1 - FRAME THE PROBLEM
To prepare for the discussion with your partner, it is best to take your time and really think through the problem that you think triggered you. Our natural tendency when we get triggered in a relationship is to jump to the conclusion that the problem is our partner, who they are and something they did. However, this is rarely the case; very often, arguments that arise between people are caused by problems of life that can be solved when we leave emotions out of them. Here's a simple trick to get to the essence of the problem: use the technique of
NO NAME
NO BLAME
NO SHAME
In other words, to find the problem, try to state it by leaving out people (no name), criticism and finger pointing (no blame) and accusations (no shame). This leads us to being able to frame the core of the problem.
In Judy’s case, her initial reaction might be that Rachel (name) is not reliable and cannot be trusted (blame) to follow through on her agreements, ever (shame). But, in fact, in this situation—and it’s a really good rule of thumb to not generalize in conflicts but stick to the current situation specifically-- the problem was “kids need to be picked up and neither parents can easily do it”.
2 - ASK FOR A MEETING
It’s more respectful to not demand of our partner to solve a problem with us when we want it (NOW!!!), but to ask them when they might be available to discuss something. This also gives us additional time to practice calmness around the problem, think it through, frame it, and prepare for the discussion.
3 - AT THE MEETING STATE THE PROBLEM
It’s also best to find time before the meeting to write down how we are going to state the problem to our partner as identified in the FRAMING step above, using the NVC communication method, i.e. an “I” phrase.
4 - ASK FOR THE OTHER’S VIEW ON THE PROBLEM
Before jumping into problem solving, we want to give our partners a chance to express themselves around the issue at hand. If Judy asks Rachel what happened that day, she might find out that Rachel got called into a last-minute meeting by her boss because her performance has been slacking and some of her clients have been complaining. Rachel was very stressed in that moment and would never had done things this way had she had a choice. She does love Judy, is committed to their relationship, and, of course, puts her children first!
5 - BRAINSTORM SOLUTIONS
Brainstorming solutions in a problem-solving session goes like this: everyone gets to share ideas. All ideas are welcomed. No ideas are too crazy. No one gets to question or criticize ideas at this stage. Brainstorming is a creativity fest! Ideally someone has agreed to be the note taker of this meeting and is writing down all the ideas everyone is having.
Here are some of the brainstorming ideas that came out of the session with Rachel and Judy:
- When an emergency situation arises but we can’t give any details in the moment, let’s use a code name. For example: “I have a Code Red”.
- Hire a full-time au pair.
- Hire a babysitter to pick up the kids after school for the next three months so we’re both off the hook.
- One of us quits their job and becomes a full-time stay-at-home parent.
- Ask our parents to take after school shifts till the end of the year.
- One of us tries to negotiate to work part time.
- Find after school daycare.
- If one of us gets home really upset, the other one should acknowledge it and offer to the upset one to take a Time Out.
- When there was a “Code Red”, don’t wait till you get home to explain what happened. Do it ASAP.
- Start having “adult dates” again.
- Do not have a fourth child.
6 - PICK A SOLUTION AND A TRIAL TIMEFRAME
This is where partners agree on picking one of the solutions and trying it out for a given timeframe (one week, one month … whatever makes sense). Once all ideas have been shared, then negotiation starts. Each idea gets analyzed and discussed, and is kept or gets ditched. At the end of the discussion, there are usually just two or three ideas left. This negotiation stage is tricky: it requires parties to really stay open minded and calm, and most importantly to remember that they are sitting here at this moment to find a solution to a problem! This is not the time to fall back into hurt or anger, into “you always” or “you never”. This stage of the brainstorming is a business meeting and should be handled as such: we are putting all our brain power between each and every idea, to evaluate if it makes sense, to determine if it could solve the problem at hand, and to gather unanimity among the protagonists.
Rachel and Judy weighed each idea carefully and landed on some agreements to try out. They decided to hire an afterschool babysitter three days a week and ask their parents to take two afterschool shifts for the other two days. They also decided to use the Code Red signal when something unexpected happens, call a Time Out as needed, and figure out a way to do two date nights a month. Finally, they agreed to try these solutions for one month and then revisit them.
7 - AGREE ON CONSEQUENCES FOR BROKEN AGREEMENTS
It’s crucial to have a phase 2 in the discussion, where partners also discuss what they will do or what will happen should the solution that’s being adopted not work out. Rachel and Judy agreed to gently remind each other about the Code Red and the Time Out agreements, should one of them forget and things get heated again. Also, they split the work of who would call the parents and who would look for a babysitter.
8 - ASSESS AND RECALIBRATE AS NEEDED
At the end of the trial period, in another meeting, the partners should review how the solution they picked worked out. Did it solve the problem? Did it work well? Does it need to be tweaked? Or, if it didn’t work, should we go back to the list and pick another one of our ideas that was left at the end of the brainstorming session and try it out?
In our couple’s case, they had a little bit of trouble finding a babysitter right away but were able to ask their parents for a bit more help initially – which was a life saver. Even with the help, though, they encountered a few other situations where one of them got really upset with the other. They were able to remember to use the Code Red and Time Out methods to get through the rough spots. During our most recent coaching session, they shared that doing this work had been invaluable, not only for their relationship but also in their lives in general. As we all do, they didn’t just encounter relationship conflicts with each other, but also in their respective families of origin, with their friends, and actually most often at work. They found the problem-solving strategies they learned to practice incredibly helpful in all areas of their lives. They became more aware of their own conflict styles; they learned to calm down in heated situations; they learned to express themselves in a cool, collected and respective way that is conducive to the receiver actually hearing what is being shared; and finally they learned how to problem solve cooperatively and creatively. The result? Their lives became so much more peaceful and enjoyable. They gained a greater sense of control--of themselves and of the conflict situations they found themselves in. (There were no more victims!) And they felt more courageous and empowered to tackle any conflict situation that might come their way.
So what about you? When confronted with conflict, which of the three steps are the most challenging for you? Which one would you like to hone in on and start practicing? Share with us in the comments!
As the author Thomas Crum says about conflict resolution:
“The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them.”
Wishing you all to become black belts at conflict resolution so that you can have more peaceful and harmonious, and long-lasting relationships!
In harmony,
TRANSFORM YOUR CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS
SPECIAL OFFER
Join us for an enriching half-day conflict resolution workshop on Tuesday, October 8th, from 9 AM to 12 PM.
Who it's for:
Everyone who might be currently experiencing conflicts, or who would like to pre-empt future ones and learn how to become a better “life fencing partner”.
What You'll Learn:
- Calm Down Techniques: Master strategies to manage your emotions effectively.
- Effective Communication: Develop skills to communicate clearly and ensure your message is heard.
- Problem-Solving: Gain tools to approach and resolve conflicts constructively.
Why Attend?
Bring your real-life problems or conflicts to the session and leave with enhanced conflict resolution skills that you can apply immediately.
Details:
- Cost: $350
- Special Early Bird Discount: Register by August 31 and get $50 off with code EARLYBIRD!
Don’t miss this opportunity to improve your conflict resolution capacity significantly. Secure your spot now and take the first step towards smoother, more effective interactions.
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