Every species is programmed to grow, strive toward healthy adulthood, reproduce for the survival of the species before eventually dying. Humans are no exception. For most of history, average life expectancy for humans has stood around 30 years. During those thousands of years where 30 years-old was our expiration date, we were mostly busy doing what all other species do: surviving long enough to be able to reproduce and making sure our offspring did too, before calling it a day and leaving this planet. There wasn’t much time to think about personal growth or fulfillment, what with finding enough food to eat, evading illness, predators or catastrophes, and finding mates. But thanks to recent breakthroughs in technology and modern medicine, humans are now born with an average life expectancy closer to 80 years. Fun fact: there’s actually around 570,000 centenarians—those 100 or more years old—around the world today. That’s a 1,500% jump from the 33,000 centenarians that lived in the 1950s.
So … what are humans doing with these extra 50+ years of life?? According to our good old friend Alfred Adler (*)--and a few others--for those of us who are lucky enough to live in a place of the world where survival is no longer our priority, our number one goal is to find a place of belonging through significance. In other words, as my late husband Steve Brady once said: “We all want to think that the time we spend on this planet is a worthwhile time, and that we’ve had an impact, and we’ve made a difference.”
This beautiful poem by Walt Whitman eloquently describes the yearning for personal fulfillment (the “untold want”) and the pursuit of that desire. The use of the word "voyager" is particularly evocative, conjuring up images of ships sailing across oceans and explorers venturing into unknown lands. This allusion to the age of exploration suggests that the journey to find fulfillment is not an easy one, but one that requires bravery, determination, and a willingness to face the unknown.
How do we get to this place of feeling significant by making a difference? You guessed it: through personal development and growth. How do we grow? By working on ourselves alone, and/or with a little help from “a friend”.
1. GROW YOURSELF THROUGH SELF WORK, ALONE
1.1 KNOW YOURSELF
In last month’s blog, we discussed how to know yourself better emotionally, physically and authentically, and the benefits of doing so. Self-awareness of one’s temperament, physicality and strengths, values and preferences can certainly help save time, effort and pain along the journey of growth, by helping us chart a course along a path of least personal resistance. Raising our self-consciousness and self-awareness are definitely a smart—if not mandatory—first step toward efficient growth.
1.2 GO OFF THE BEATEN PATH
When my father was in his twenties (that’s in the 1950s in Paris, France), he was leading a very unusual life: he would work for six months and save as much money as he could, so that he could then jump on his old scooter and set off toward what had now become the “Eastern Block” countries after the Second World War. He was so obsessively fascinated with what was going on behind the Iron Curtain that he would sneak into countries like Romania or Bulgaria to visit farmers and find out the conditions in which they were living. It was dangerous, but he didn’t care. He was driven by his insatiable curiosity. His children--myself included, as well as his grandchildren--have all caught the “adventure bug”. In my family, I am known for taking the road less travelled and disappearing in the side alleys of every new town we visit. Some of the most meaningful growth spurts I have had were in these back alleys: meeting interesting or unusual locals, finding out about their way of life, making new friends with animals or encountering fascinating new critters or plants; not to mention the most interesting architecture and experiences. All have contributed to expanding my worldview far beyond the sights and adventures that the travel guidebooks tell you not to miss.
1.3 FIND YOUR COURAGE
Have you ever heard of what fear stands for as an acronym?
Growing oneself is hard work. Why? Because personal development is about changing oneself. Transforming who we are into something else. Think butterfly:
But unlike the butterfly, who doesn’t think much about his transformation and basically goes through the motions on autopilot--albeit probably not without a great deal of pain--we humans have to decide that we want to change, and then we actually have to make it happen. There is no grand plan for this that we just follow.
To make matters even more difficult, change of any kind tends to make most of us experience some kind of apprehension, resistance or fear. It’s easy to hold onto the status quo, to remain as we are, to stay where we are, doing things as we’ve always done them in the safe confines of the comfort zones that we’re used to inhabiting. It takes courage to look in the mirror and decide that something in us needs to change. That there is potential for growth. That there is a better version of ourselves waiting to emerge out of the cocoon if we are just willing to break down the barriers of fear that are holding us back and do the work.
The famed educator Maria Montessori researched and demonstrated that human children have an inherent drive to learn. Adler (again!), said that we have a creative force inside of us that pushes us to figure things out and grow. If we allow ourselves to be more like butterflies and trust our creative force without letting fear getting in the way, maybe growth wouldn’t be half as hard?
2. GROW YOURSELF WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM A FRIEND
For those of us who believe in evolution, we know all about survival of the fittest. For those of us who don’t believe in evolution but who live in competitive societies or environments, we know that the world seems to be set up to say NO.
Thank you for your resume but NO, we are not interested in your profile.
Thank you for your well-written screenplay but NO, we have even better ones in the pipeline.
Thank you for the wonderful meal you cooked on this cooking show, but NO, we prefer your competitor’s recipe.
What I tell my career coaching clients all the time is “all you need is ONE yes!”. Similarly, in order to change and grow, all you need is one “YES”--one supporter, one person who believes in you, one person who trusts that you will come through; one family member, one friend, one coach or therapist, who unconditionally supports you and trusts that you will make it through.
Do yourself a favor: If you are having trouble with self-growth, reach out and ask a friend to support you. Sometimes, two is better than one.
3. WHAT FIRES, WIRES
I’ll finish by quoting one of my favorite neuroscientists: Dan Siegel. He coined the expression: “What fires, wires”. What he means is that if we repeat something often enough, whether it be a behavior or a thought, we will literally change our brain by rewiring it with new synapses. I hate to tell you what your personal trainer or your math teacher might have already told you: in the end, growth is just a matter of repetitions.
It’s as easy as this: figure out a change that you want to make, create a plan to make it happen, and then start the repetitions! I can tell you from years of experience with my own growth—and from the growth of hundreds of my clients—you can do it!
In the words of Walt Whitman, your Voyage awaits!
CHEERS TO YOUR GROWTH!! (and if you need a little help from a friend… you know where to find me!).
(*) About Adler: you’ve met him before around these parts. But if you are intrigued and want to find out more, check out this podcast, or this one , or call me!
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